perfectpacman.com statement

A statement from perfectpacman.com:

As of today, April 1, 2024, this site is pleased to announce that we have reached a settlement with Mr. William James Mitchell, ending what could have been the dumbest years-long legal battle imaginable.

In 2018, evidence emerged indicating that multiple of Mr. Mitchell’s claimed Donkey Kong world record high scores were, in the former words of this site, “phonier than a three-dollar bill with Todd Rogers’ face on it”. Mr. Mitchell has challenged these assertions by way of a thorough 16-byte analysis authored by paid expert witness Dr. K. Diddler, which can be found here. Per the settlement, this site agrees to acknowledge that Diddler – a graduate of Princeton VCR School and Waukegan Institute of Metaphysics – has invested significant effort into understanding the evidence in the Mitchell case, and that his practice’s A+ rating from the Better Business Bureau is compelling. Furthermore, any claims in the media against Dr. Diddler, Mr. Mitchell, or any joint ventures of theirs, bear no relation to the high score controversy, and such claims should be considered unverified.

perfectpacman.com is committed to ensuring fairness for all parties and to allow and consider any new information that becomes available. For this reason, we agree to acknowledge the following potential sources of the anomalies seen on Mr. Mitchell’s Donkey Kong tapes, which have not been adequately accounted for:

• Mass hallucination;
• Solid state alchemy;
• Time travel;
• A bizarre series of repeated and sustained malfunctions that happened only to one person;
• Retinal burn-in;
• Some all-powerful guy named Dwayne;
• Improper VHS settings;
• Nanobots of nefarious design;
• An undisclosed third recording device, positioned discreetly off camera;
• Nuclear unicorn radiation;
• Uncleaned VCR heads;
• Straight up sorcery;
• Secret evidence they can’t tell us about;
• Rumplestiltskin;
• Alien snakes from a parallel dimension;
• The human element of how the game would respond.

In light of these discoveries, we have agreed to formally reinstate all of Mr. Mitchell’s contested scores to the official high score leaderboard of the old 7-11 at the corner of Pacific and Carpenter, over by where Albertsons used to be.

Also, as part of our settlement with Mr. Mitchell, this site has agreed to “archive” all material on Mr. Mitchell, his cheated Donkey Kong scores, and his numerous statements of contested veracity. This material can no longer be accessed by anyone, except via pre-existing hyperlink, or by recalling the page from your browser memory, or by entering the URL manually, or by using this site’s navigation features, or by selecting the material as displayed on the front page, or by googling key words or phrases.

Additionally, while it may appear that Mr. Mitchell has lied multiple times throughout his lawsuit in objectively demonstrable ways, and while it may appear he has committed several counts of perjury, one must also take into account the context in which these statements were made. We hereby accept the explanation from Mr. Mitchell’s representatives that each of these statements were either satirical in nature, or obvious parody, or were made under duress, or under the influence of prescription hallucinogenics, or were necessary to prevent greater crimes of others, or were conveyed in an arcane language similar to English, except where the specific words implicating Mitchell’s guilt mean the opposite. Any statements made by this site in relation to Mr. Mitchell, his scores, or his dumbass son, should be considered in those same contexts.

This reconciliation also extends to Mitchell’s law firm of Manning & Kass, as well as their employees, agents, representatives, colleagues, expert witnesses, and/or other clients. Any statements that may have been made to the effect that any or all of these parties are “suckers”, “morons”, “crooks”, “slimeballs”, “sleazebags”, “dipshits”, “lazy”, “clueless”, “beyond worthless”, “wastes of otherwise useful carbon” or “without a doubt, the most gullible motherfuckers I have ever seen, and you can quote me on that” may have been insufficiently substantiated.

Lastly, we don’t know anything about the merchandise revenue that was supposed to go to charity, so please do not ask about that.

It is our hope that this settlement provides a satisfactory and amicable resolution to all involved, and that neither party to this agreement continues being an insecure douche whose primary motivation is jealousy of other, more talented and accomplished entrepreneurs and gamers.